God chose me

The night of Monday. January 16th 2012 will always be the night God "chose" me for this journey.  Stephen and I were headed home from the store to make a new recipe I was trying to be a chef of a wife which sometimes works and sometimes doesn't.  That's when the phone rang and the evening took a totally different direction.  The only two words I got out of the whole five minute conversation was "malignant" and "chemotherapy."  To be honest the first thought when the words were spinning out of control in my mind was " I'm going to lose my hair."  I know that's pathetic but let's be real I have been growing my hair out since I was a sophomore in high school and I'm a woman... we have hair.  We pull up at our house and we are just sitting there crying together and trying to gather what had just happened and what had been said.  In my mind, I wanted answers to so many questions.  How far along the cancer has progressed? What treatment looks like? Why God chose me? Why at this age? Doesn't God know we were wanting to have a baby?  Should I get a second opinion? Maybe this was a mistake. 

Stephen and I headed to my parents where my two brothers and sister in law all sat down and not only shed tears together but laughed and tried to find any bit of humor out of what God has placed into our lives on this night.  We got a game plan together on how we were going to begin this journey.  We huddled together and prayed to our big God and poured out our hearts, confessed our worries but that we trusted Him with our fears and questions.  I am so blessed to have a husband and a family to surround me with love, prayers and encouragement on that night.  God knew exactly who I needed in this life for this journey.  He continues amazing me every step of the way.  He shows me that He is so much bigger than any worry or situation that I am given and to just trust Him.  Beginning with insurance issues, delayed chemo, liver issues the Lord has been so abounding in love to say Natalie "Trust me in the good, the bad and the unknown." He will always provide the way.  I have learned in this journey that its not always our timing and about what we want.  It's about what is best for us according to God's plan even when we don't understand at the time.  It has taken me a long time (and still learning) to realize and understand that. This journey with cancer has been a gift.  I know at first that is a crazy and weird thing to understand.  The gift of cancer has given me the opportunity to show people the reflection of Christ even in the midst of my hardship.  Isn't that what its about? Reflecting God even when things get rough and out of our control.  I decided from the very beginning I wasn't going to "waste" cancer.  I was not going to waste this opportunity to show people that I have a bigger and better God than this cancer and with Him, I was NOT going to be shaken.  I was NOT going to be scared. I was NOT going to let it bring me down.  I am so grateful for the things God has taught me in these last few months.  Things I could have never learned if it wasn't for me going through this.  Sometimes He works in crazy ways and takes you on crazy paths, but ultimately when we trust in His sovereign plan, we are so much better off then any other way we could have chosen. 

One of the hardest things as a woman was losing my hair and God has shown me that my hair doesn't define me.  I was sitting at home alone on Thursday, February 16th and my hair was coming out to the touch.  That was pretty emotional for me to see.  I knew it was going to happen and I even talked about it like no big deal, but to actually see the clumps falling out and filling the trash was way harder than I thought.  The next morning I decided to shave it.  I wanted it off.  Stephen and I sat in our bathroom and the razor started and that was it.  The first few pieces were gone.  I thought that it was going to be a lot harder to have shaved my head, but once it was all said and done I felt a huge burden lifted off me.  God has shown me that its not about my hair.  Yes, it was hard to lose something that I loved and something that makes me (or at least I thought) a woman.  We as women get so wrapped up in our outer beauty that sometimes we forget to focus on our inner beauty. It is when we put our hope and trust in the Lord that we can discover the true beauty that is deep inside.  God reminded me that my hair is going to come back, its not gone forever.  It doesn't make me Natalie Jones.  I would have never had the opportunity to learn this deep truth if it wasn't for cancer.  

Those are just a few things God has taught me.  We would be here all night if I told you everything!

Round 5 starts Monday and I am ready!  I know God has His arms wrapped around me.  He is my absolute strength every day.  I am grateful for that.  

"Thank you Lord for giving me this gift to show me how to love You more, trust You in everything and reflect You." 

Psalm 62:1-2  " I will NOT be shaken"